The parent's own health
The short answer
Most of this site is about your child. This page is about you.
Parents of children with disabilities have higher rates of depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress. That is a clinical finding, not a character flaw, and all three are treatable. 1 2
In the United States, the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is 1-833-TLC-MAMA, free and open at all hours. For any mental health crisis, call or text 988. 3
The numbers, up front
- Perinatal depression is common
- Perinatal depression is among the most common complications of pregnancy and the postpartum period, and it is treatable 1
- Screening is recommended
- Professional guidance recommends screening for perinatal depression during pregnancy and after birth 4
- Traumatic birth can cause PTSD
- Post-traumatic stress can follow any event experienced as life-threatening, including a traumatic birth or a critical illness in a newborn 2
- A free national hotline exists
- The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline provides free, confidential support for pregnant and postpartum people and their families, at all hours 3
- Postpartum care is ongoing
- Guidance describes postpartum care as an ongoing process rather than a single visit at six weeks 5
- Respite exists
- A national respite locator lists respite care services by state 6
Grief, and why it comes back
Many parents grieve a child who is alive. That sounds wrong to say and it is what people describe.
You are grieving the pregnancy you expected, the birth you planned, and a future you had already imagined. That grief is real, and it does not mean you love your child any less.
It also comes back. Grief in this situation is not a line from bad to better. It returns at birthdays, at milestones other children reach, at the start of school, at every appointment. That pattern is common and it does not mean you are going backward.
It can help simply to know that this is a recognized experience, and that other parents describe exactly the same shape.
Guilt
Almost every parent looks for what they did wrong.
The food you ate. The lifting. The stress. The time you did not go in when you were worried. The decision you agreed to.
Two things are worth saying plainly.
Most of what causes birth injury is not caused by anything a parent did. Placental abruptions happen without warning. Perinatal strokes usually have no identified cause. Most cerebral palsy is not caused by events during labor. 7 8
Guilt does not respond to facts. You can know all of the above and still feel it at 3 a.m. That is how guilt works, and it is a reason to talk to someone rather than to argue with yourself.
If you did raise a concern and were not listened to, the guilt often attaches there. That is not your failure. Being ignored is not the same as not speaking.
Post-traumatic stress
Post-traumatic stress can follow any event experienced as life-threatening, including a traumatic birth or a period when your baby was critically unwell. 2
What it can look like
- Intrusive memories, or reliving parts of the birth.
- Nightmares.
- Avoiding the hospital, or the road to it, or anything that brings it back.
- Being constantly on alert.
- Feeling numb, or detached from your baby.
- Sudden anger.
- Not being able to remember parts of what happened.
What helps
Treatment works. Trauma-focused therapies are effective, and this is not something to wait out. 2
A birth debrief. Many hospitals offer a meeting to go through what happened, with the record in front of you. Families often describe it as the single thing that helped most with intrusive memories. Ask for it.
Not being alone with it. Partners often have very different memories of the same hours. Talking it through together can help both of you.
If you are avoiding your child's medical appointments because of how they make you feel, that is a reason to seek help now rather than later.
Depression and anxiety
Perinatal depression is among the most common complications of pregnancy and the postpartum period, and it is treatable. 1 Professional guidance recommends screening. 4
It does not always look like sadness. It can look like irritability, numbness, rage, or an inability to feel anything about your baby.
Anxiety after a birth injury often takes a specific form: watching your child breathe, checking constantly, being unable to let anyone else care for them.
Ask for help if:
- It has been more than two weeks.
- You cannot sleep even when your baby is sleeping.
- You cannot enjoy anything.
- You feel disconnected from your baby.
- You are having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby.
That last one needs help today. In the United States, call or text 988, or call 1-833-TLC-MAMA. 3 Thoughts like that are more common than people say out loud, and they are treatable.
Where to start
Your own doctor or obstetrician. Postpartum care is meant to be an ongoing process rather than one visit. 5 Your child's pediatrician can also point you to help, and many now screen parents.
Your relationship
A child with significant needs puts real strain on a couple.
The common patterns families describe:
Different coping styles. One partner researches, the other cannot bear to. One wants to talk, the other wants to work. Neither is wrong, and each can read as indifference to the other.
Division of labor. One partner often becomes the medical expert, the other the earner. Both feel the other has the easier job.
No time alone. Appointments, therapy, and a child who needs care fill everything.
Blame, spoken or not.
What families say helps: naming the pattern rather than the person, protecting some small amount of time that is not about the child, letting each person cope their own way, and getting couples counseling early rather than as a last resort.
Siblings
Brothers and sisters carry more of this than adults notice.
Give them information at their level. Children fill silence with something worse than the truth.
Let them ask anything. Including whether they caused it and whether it will happen to them.
Protect some time that is theirs. Small and regular beats large and rare.
Expect regression and anger, and treat both as communication.
Do not make them a carer. Some helping is fine. Responsibility is not.
Tell the school. Siblings often struggle there before they show anything at home.
The sibling guide is written to read with a child.
Respite, and asking for help
Respite means someone else caring for your child so you can rest. It is not a luxury and it is not a failure.
Where to look
- The ARCH National Respite Locator lists services by state. 6
- Many Medicaid waivers fund respite hours. 9
- Your state program for children with special health care needs. 10
- Family-to-Family Health Information Centers. 11
- Local chapters of The Arc. 12
Accepting help from people you know
People want to help and do not know how. Give them a specific job: a meal on Tuesday, a school run, an hour so you can sleep. Vague offers go nowhere. Specific requests get said yes to.
Find other parents. Almost every family says the same thing: the people who helped most were other parents in the same position. Condition-specific groups, local parent centers, and hospital groups are all places to find them. 13
If a case is underway
A legal case adds a particular kind of weight.
It means revisiting the worst hours of your life repeatedly, over years, in detail, with strangers.
Decide who you will talk to about it, and keep the rest of your life as a place where it is not discussed.
Expect the deposition to be hard, and ask for preparation.
Tell your therapist about the case. It changes what you are dealing with and they should know.
Notice if the case has become the centre of your life. That is a common and understandable place to end up, and it costs something.
See what a birth injury case looks like so at least the process holds no surprises.
Questions parents ask
Is it normal to grieve when my child is alive?
Yes, and many parents describe exactly this. You are grieving the pregnancy you expected, the birth you planned, and the future you had imagined. It does not mean you love your child less, and it tends to return at milestones rather than resolving in a straight line.
How do I know if this is more than ordinary exhaustion?
Some markers: it has lasted more than two weeks, you cannot sleep even when your child sleeps, you cannot enjoy anything, you feel disconnected from your baby, or you are having intrusive memories or nightmares. Any of those is a reason to ask for help. 1 2
I keep replaying the birth. Is that normal?
It is common, and it is one of the recognized features of post-traumatic stress. 2 It is also treatable. A birth debrief with the team, going through what happened with the record in front of you, helps many families, and trauma-focused therapy is effective. Ask for both.
I am having thoughts of hurting myself. What do I do?
Get help today. In the United States, call or text 988, or call the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline on 1-833-TLC-MAMA, which is free and open at all hours. 3 If you are in immediate danger, go to an emergency department. These thoughts are more common than people say out loud and they are treatable.
Is it selfish to want a break?
No. Respite exists because caring for a child with significant needs is not sustainable without it, and it is funded through many Medicaid waivers for exactly that reason. 9 6 A parent who is not sleeping is not able to advocate, and advocacy is a large part of this job.
Words on this page, in plain English
- placental abruption
- The placenta pulls away from the wall of the uterus before birth. The baby can lose oxygen and the mother can bleed heavily.
- perinatal stroke
- A blocked or bleeding blood vessel in a baby's brain, from late in pregnancy through the first month after birth.
- cerebral palsy
- A group of lifelong conditions that affect movement and posture. They come from an injury or difference in the developing brain. The brain injury does not get worse over time, but the body effects can change.
- Medicaid waiver
- A state program that lets a child get Medicaid based on their own needs and income rather than the family's. Many have waiting lists.
Where these facts come from
- National Institute of Mental Health. Perinatal Depression. 2024. www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/perinatal-depression. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. PTSD Basics. 2024. www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/what/ptsd_basics.asp. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- Health Resources and Services Administration. National Maternal Mental Health Hotline. 2025. mchb.hrsa.gov/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Committee Opinion 757, Screening for Perinatal Depression. 2018. www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Committee Opinion 736, Optimizing Postpartum Care. 2018. www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- ARCH National Respite Network. National Respite Locator Service. 2025. archrespite.org/respitelocator/. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and American Academy of Pediatrics. Neonatal Encephalopathy and Neurologic Outcome, Second Edition. 2014. www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/task-force-report/ar. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- Pediatric Neurology. Perinatal Arterial Ischemic Stroke. 2021. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33813239/. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, Medicaid.gov. Home and Community Based Services. 2025. www.medicaid.gov/medicaid/home-community-based-services/inde. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- Health Resources and Services Administration. Title V Maternal and Child Health Services Block Grant. 2025. mchb.hrsa.gov/programs-impact/title-v-maternal-child-health-. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- Family Voices. Family-to-Family Health Information Centers. 2025. familyvoices.org/affiliate-organizations/. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- The Arc of the United States. Find a Local Chapter. 2025. thearc.org/find-a-chapter/. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- Center for Parent Information and Resources. Find Your Parent Center. 2025. www.parentcenterhub.org/find-your-center/. Link checked September 3, 2026.